Dorito Deer's Excursions
by AMCGremlin
Summary: This a thing... A thing that happened... Yea... Includes special guest star appearances of Archimedes (TF2), Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Vilmer (Texas Chainsaw), Sportacus and Robbie Rotten (Lazy Town), Kyle from Southpark, Troy Bolton, Blaine (Stephen King's the Dark Tower), Eddie Gluskin (Outlast), Freddy (FNAF), Purple Guy (FNAF), HAL 9000, and others!
1. Chapter 1

Dorito Deer emerged from the forest. As a shapeshifter who could instantly transform into either a giant nacho cheese dorito with legs, a deer, or a person, she had many forms from which to choose. Deciding to attend the mysterious gathering she had been called too as a deer, she continued on her way. She frolicked up the desolate pavement road upon the mountain side in her deer form until she reached the meeting place. The cracking sign read in peeling letters: Makeout Point. Preparing to shift into her human form, she slowed to a trot. Suddenly, something more than the wind struck a shiny silver containment bag upon her head.

Quickly she shifted into human form to facilitate the removal of what happened to be a bag of chips. "TE FUQ DO THIS" She said in a deep southern accent. "SHOW YO SELF" A giggling noise to her left caused her to shift her attention this way. "OH SO ITS YOUUUU".

"That is correct." Stated the Pringles guy. "It is I".

"How dare yu show yer face around these parts of the woods, Pringle Guy. You know what happens when yu show up." Dorito Deer scoffed, her human hair blowing in the wind.

"All I know is that we always end up having one heck of a night." The Pringle Guy winked seductively and Dorito Deer felt herself melt on the inside, but she would not show it on her face. He approached her slowly, twirling the tie on his long tan trench coat.

"Don't you want to see what i've got under this coat though, Dorito Deer Dearest?" Her heart raced in her chest as he slowly pulled it loose. "Come on babe. **Once you pop, you know you can't stop."** And with that his coat was pooled around his ankles.

"Oh Pringle Guy!" Dorito Deer sighed as he embraced her slowly, cradling her neck in his then shared a kiss, which was broken by Dorito Deer. "This is wrong. We come from two different worlds. You're a can, i'm a bag…"

"And we fit perfectly together." Another wink and Dorito Deer couldn't say no.

…..

-Somewhere across town-

Jason had a feeling in the pit of his stomach, something was wrong. DoritoDeer had not called him in quite sometime. He should at least be able to hear the sweet call coming from his most beloved. Curious, he tracked her prints from his house. A sudden sound startled him and he looked up to where the noise had originated from. A small white, blood splattered dove sat on a branch watching him. "Oh Archimedes, you scared me," Jason whispered. The dove cocked his head making a small chirping sound as it nervously hopped back and forth on it's perch. "Do you know where DoritoDeer is Archimedes?" The dove chirped again and took flight, leading Jason to his love. When Jason came upon her he felt his heart sink. "PRINGLE GUY YOU DOUCHEBITCH." Pringle Guy stood quickly, not bothering to put his coat back on, "Jason, long time no see eh?" Jason replied with a quick punch to the side of the Pringle Guy's face, "SHUDDUP!" DoritoDeer was back in her deer form, happily asleep, and she could care less what was going on. A noise caught her attention however, as she was ripped away from the wonderful hold of sleep. She could hear Pringle Guy shouting about how they hadn't even done anything...yet, and Jason responding with more yelling and threats. The noise became louder as she trotted back into the forest. The noise was the chirping of a dove, Archimedes. The dove fluttered down beside her and landed on her back, "Hello Archimedes." The dove chirped back and flew off her back landing in front of her. It shapeshifted into a tall man wearing white clothes like the doves feathers. He adjusted his glasses and ran his fingers through his black hair, "Hello Mein Frau," he spoke in a German accent. Dorito Deer smiled her deer smile and shapeshifted back into a person. They walked together deeper into the woods. By this time, Jason had stabbed the Pringles Guy 37 times in the chest with a fork and was aware DoritoDeer had left again... Archimedes was gone as well…. "ARCHIMEEEDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" Jason angrily shouted to the moon. Jason used his Levi-Level tracking skillz to hunt down his love and the traitorous bird.

Slowly he approached the two. They were frolicking together throught the trees, shifting forms carelessly and often. He followed them deep into the forest quietly, untill they came to a clearing. Curiously they approached a lone object laying in the center of the clearing. It was a corndog. As the two peered over it, it started to shake. Suddenly, it grew to 7 feet in size with a mouth but no eyes.

"I am the great prophet Corndog! I see a great prophecy awaiting the one they call Dorito Deer." Archimedes and Dorito Deer exchanged puzzled looks and continued to listen.

" The three who love you

One already lost

Swarm around you

Lost in the plot

But to find the one

Who can love you too the max,

Seek out the matchmaker

The one they call Gax."

DoritoDeer was like K and dashed through the forest to find her friend. Archimedes exchanged looks with Jason before flying off to who knows where. Dorito Deer came upon a cabin in the woods (lol) and turned into a human before knocking on the door. Gax appeared in the window for a split second before opening the door with her velociraptor-like tail, "DoritoDeer! Wazzup!" Gax invited DoritoDeer inside as the two began to discuss what the mighty CornDog had said. Meanwhile, Jason was still walking about the forest. It was obvious what he had to do, he had to get rid of Archimedes too so he was the only one left for DoritoDeer to love. He came to a road where he paused for a moment. *Ch ch ch ha ha ha* He looked around anxiously, "Archimedes? Is that you? Come out and fight me you bastard." There was no reply. Jason walked out into the middle of the road and paused again, he felt as though someone was watching him. He spun around and froze, he was staring straight at the hockey mask wearing serial killer Jason Voorhees. Jason turned on his heels and ran with Jason not far behind. Jason was very confused as to why Jason was there, Jason wasn't real was he? Apparently so, as Jason brought down a FUCKINF BIG KNIFE into Jason's shoulder. Jason screamed in pain as Jason swung again, into Jason's other shoulder. Jason slumped against a tree and Jason pulled his FUCKINF BIG KNIFE out of Jason's shoulder. Jason was terrified, he didn't know what to do. "Please," Jason stuttered, "D-Don't-" Jason cut him (ha) off with a stab to the heart. Jason walked away from Jason's dead body. He made a mental note of the cabin with it's lights on he walked by on the way back to the lake.

Back at the cabin, Gax was explaining that contrary to popular belief none of the three guys were gunna be able to love Dorito Deer right.

"Well then who was the prophet Corndog speaking off?" Dorito Deer asked, confusion in her face.

"I believe that another shall arise from the forest. I do not yet know his name, but he will reveal himself. One day." Unsatisfied with Gax's answer, Dorito Deer went to open the door. As she swung it open, however, the doorway was blocked with the shadowy figure of a man with a hockey mask. She screamed and shut the door quickly, jolting back over to Gax.

Jason was about to knock on the door to discover if anyone home had a spare kitchen knife, as his had gotten lodged between Jason from Ny's pelvis and his kneecap, when suddenly the door swung open. In the doorframe stood the most beautiful woman Jason had ever seen. Well, other than his beloved mother of course. He was about to say hello when he was cut off by her scream and the door slammed shut in his face. Determined, he then knocked.

"HOLY MOTHER FUCKING DOUGH BALLS DORITO DEER TE FUQ WAS THAT?!" Gax screamed.

"I have no idea, I didn't get a look at his face." They huddled in terror by the side of the couch, waiting to see if this unknown assaulter would enter.

Jason knocked again, and again, and again. No one answered the door. He decided that the owners were probs just out of the room and couldn't hear them, so he broke in the door. He heard frightened screams. That turned him on. He walked up to the huddling girls and spoke too the one with red hair.

"Hello my fair lady. I do hope that you understand that I mean you no harm. I simply came to ask if I could borrow a kitchens knife and I saw your beautiful face. You must forgive me for being brash. My name is Jason. And you are?"

Holy Crap, Dorito Deer thought. This man is fineeeee. She stood up shakily, still recovering from the scare. Gax remained on the floor, stuck in stasis position.

"My name is Dorito Deer. Nice to meet you Jason."

"I don't mean to be forward…" Jason stumbled over his words. "But you're gorgeous!"

Suddenly the white face of Michael Myers appeared in the window, "NO WAY HOCKEY PUCK. THIS ONE'S MINE." He climbed through the window, knife in hand. Suddenly voles.

Suddenly, Leatherface appeared in the doorway, wielding his infamous chainsaw. He grumbled something and the three serial killers went at it, stabbing and slicing at each other with their various weapons. Dorito deer was in a daze watching the violence so Gax had to come out of stasis to drag her off before she got hurt.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the land of the Ulmies. Levitater-tot was plotting revenge against the corndog that had cursed him many moons ago. His partner in crime, Jackie-Nipz was pacing the room, "I know, Voles." "Voles?" Levwadd questioned. "Yes, Voles." Then there was maniacal laughter. Archimedes sat on his perch and watched the two, oh no. Not voles! The creatures would surely spell doom for the corndog and her friends, as well as his beloved Dorito deer.

Writhing in anger, he dive bombed through the window aiming straight for levis face. The room erupted in panic as the two boys were berated by the furious Archimedes. Finally, with blood on his talons, Archimedes shifted into human form as the two lay unconscious but unharmed in the corner. He then let out a yell. "Imperius menatlice densesness enhancess!" With that, the two boys forgot the plan they had been concocting. With that threat gone, Archimedes shifted into a dove and started back to DoritoDeer, a promposal on his mind.

Running through the woods to get as far away from the cabin as possible, DoritoDeer and Gax approached a large road. It appeared to be the one where DoritoDeer's excursion had began, and the carefully followed it back down the mountain with the intention of reaching civilization and maybe a taco bell. Eventually reaching the bottom of the slope, Gax and DoritoDeer headed over to DoritoDeers apartment. They opened the door only to see a walkway of roses leading to Archimedes.

DoritoDeer tilted her head slightly, "Archimedes? What is all this?" The dove turned into a man once again and held his hand out to her, "This, mein frau, is for you." He purred as he walked towards her. Gax said, "Screw dis." and left, out a window majestically, before she felt the need to bleach her brain, not because she was being a bitch, because she wasn't. Archimedes wrapped his arm around DoritoDeer's shoulder and she tensed, "Um Scuze me. Wut r u doin?" The man smirked and turned around so he was facing her. He then got down on one knee, and held out his hand. In his palm, was a small, velvet box. Dorito Deer locked eyes with him, her eyes were totally anime, kawaii-desu~ sugoi with a bunch of sparklies in them. He smiled as he opened the box, revealing a tiny dorito. DoritoDeer screeched with delight, "CIRCLETINE." She devoured the unborn and made her way to the kitchen to find some Nesquick. She then doused Archimedes in the chocolate milk powder and proceeded to shift into a deer and leap out of the window after Gax, "I AM UNTAMABLE LIKE THE SEA AND VOLES AND SALTINE CRACKERS!" She shouted over her deer haunches.

DoritoDeer caught up to Gax swiftly. "Well I guess you need to find a new prom date then. Since Jason from NY is dead."

"I guess so. Who do you think would be worthy of my fabulantasicmazingness?" Gax looked over with mischeif and excitement in her eyes. "I have a list!" She flung down a scroll that was at least 3 meters long. DoritoDeer let out a sigh. "I guess we can start with number one then…" DoritoDeer said.

"That's 346 boys you've denied. Come on DD, can I call you that? DD? Anyways, DD, you have got to lower your standards a tad. The prom is tomorrow and we still need a dress AND a date for you!"

"All the guys you've suggested are just tank top wearing buffoons." Gax quickly interjected "HOT tank top wearing buffoons. Come ON you aren't marrying this guy. You only have to spend like 5 hours max with him. How bout this one? Vilmer. From Texas. He's missing a leg, but I bet you his third one makes up for it WINK WONK". Dorito deer shook her head slightly with a laugh, "Well he is pretty hot." Gax happied and ran to the nearest phone booth, which was in New Mexico. She dialed the number and quickly handed it to Dorito Deer. Dorito Deer shyly replied with a hello when the voice from the other end spoke out. There was a lot of static, and it hurt her sensitive deer ears. The voice on the other end, W he said he was called, was a very intelligent fellow with a deep southern accent, much like Dorito Deer's own. "Can I speak to Vilmer please?" she asked after conversing about scientifically accurate history like the dropping of the giant Twinkie on Hiroshima and other American things. More static replied to her until another voice answered, "Hello?" Gax made a happy again and Dorito Deer let out a sigh, "Yes, hi. This is Dorito Deer. I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go to the prom with me?" Vilmer was silent for a few moments until he responded with a light laugh, "Sure thing babe." Gax made the biggest happy she ever happied and it was so loud it deafened a near by hobo. Dorito Deer leled, "K well we better find a dress nao eh?"

"Yassssssss" screeched gax. They entered a nearby dress store and gax picked out a giant pink one. "Yes, she said, this will do nicely. Of course, Vilmer will need a matching tie. Thats easy enough though."

"Okay well i'll meet up with ya tomorrow am at yo house. the prophet corndawg will be there to. We can get you all ready for your big day! Vilmer will arrive at 4pm to take you." And then they went to sleep and it was all chill and stuff. And then it was 7am and gax and corndawg arrived at DD's door.

"Sup DD" they said and then corndawg did DD's makeup and gax helped her get dressed and played tunes. Also Corndawg got ready because her date was Sammy the Microwave Snail and she was also going to the prom. At 7 they both met their dates and got into the limo. But Gax didnt because boys fucking suck:). And then DD went off to the prom.

When they got there Vilmer was like "Hey babe, lets go see if theres anyone out back." And there wasnt so they were alone behind the gymnasium. DoritoDeer checked around to make sure archimedes wasnt watching. "Ok, were clear." She said and then he made out with her and refrained from killing her, which was really quite romantic. Then it was like *smut* and it got heated and like they both ended up pretty naked and DD was all like "Gax was right about that" and then they went inside (clothed) and drank some punch which was actually very good for a school dance. Then Vilmer said "Hey so lets see how many places we can do that in less than 24 hours. "Ok" said DD and so they got in the limo and did it in there, chuck and blair style, and they got dropped off at mcdonalds so they did it in the bathrooms there. Then they went into the parking lot and did it there. Then they went to Mikes Huge Hot Tub Outlet and woohooed there for a bit. At this point dd was getting pretty tired, but DD liked the VD ( Vilmer D) so they kinda just went around having nasties all night. Finally, around 5am, DD returned to her house where Gax waited for a recap of the night. "SoooOOOOooo?" Gax asked with a smirk on her face, "How'd it gooooo?" Dorito Deer lol'd "It was great. Many sexes. Not sure why." Gax lol'd "Thats gr8 m8" Dorito Deer paused for a moment, "You know what, you are the 'Great Match Maker Gax' yet you don't have anyone to love. We shall find you someone." And before Gax could reply, Dorito Deer made her way over to the nearest Pay Phone (Still in New Mexico) and signed Gax up for Zoosk. After many and many hours of searching on Zoosk, Dorito Deer was struck with an idea, "I know, I'll call an old friend. He knows someone who is PERFECT for you." Dorito Deer picked up the pay phone again and dialed a number in, she waited patiently for a reply and when she got one she happied, "Hey! Sportacus!" The voice on the other end said hi back and asked what the goings on was. Dorito Deer gave him the down lo and he's all like "K." and then Dorito Deer wrote a number down and said goodbye to Sportacus. She then dialed the new number into the phone and gave it to Gax. Gax heard it ring a couple times and then a voice appeared, "Hello? Yes, this is Robbie Rotten." Gax and Robbie talked for a little while and they decided they'd go out on a date and stuff but this isn't about Gax it's about Dorito Deer so back to her story. After Gax's ordeal with Robbie (And possibly also Kyle from Southpark at that one party), Dorito Deer decided to go to California with Corndawg and Gax. Unbeknown to Dorito Deer, the voles were quickly approaching the coastline.

Then in Cali Dorito Deer was like oh look at the mountain of voles approaching. I better go battle then. So she destroyed the vole army using her lazer beam eyes while Corndawg and Gax picked up hawt guys on the beach. Then they were all like, LETS GO PANTIE SHOPPING so they did and it was pretty fanfrickentabulous. Also at some point when they were in Cali Gax met Troy Bolton they became bf and gf cause swag. With the Voles vanquished, the three (And also Troy Bolton) decided to go back home. But suddenly, a challenger appeared… DANCING LAND SHARKS

Using her quick wits, Gax attacked with sarcasm and the sharks were defeated. With the new threat gone as well, the trio (And still that other dude) continued on their journey. "Hello, Frauline…" A familiar voice spoke. Dorito Deer froze in mid-step, every part of her deer instincts were telling her to flee. She slowly turned around, only to meet the stony gaze of Archimedes, in his human form. In his left hand he held a bone saw, bloody to the hilt, in his right hand, he held the severed head of Dorito Deer's love, Vilmer. Dorito Deer felt tears begin to roll down her cheeks and Gax cried out in anger, "NAH MAN HE WAS THE TRU OG." Archimedes dropped the saw and head as he walked closer to Dorito Deer, "Now, my little lügner… There is no one to stand in my way of loving you." Dorito Deer tensed more with each step that Archimedes got closer, his usually pure white coat was stained with splatters of deep red. He cocked his head to the side, "What's the matter? You do love me, don't you?" Gax gave Dorito Deer a concerned look, who turned to Corndawg with the same expression. Dorito Deer knew her and her friends' lives depended on her replying with yes, whether she truly did or not. She quickly regained her composure and held her hand out to him, "Of course, I always loved you the most… Archimedes." There was a tinge of venom as she spoke the end of his name, but he dismissed it, "Great! Now the wedding can commence!" "Knew it…" Gax whispered under her breath. The following day, Dorito Deer prepared for her wedding. Of course, Gax and Corndawg were her bride's maids and were rather happy for her, though inside they knew it was wrong. As Dorito Deer opened the large double doors to begin to walk down the aisle, a sound caught her attention… _A train whistle?_ There was a loud crash as a monorail emerged through the giant stained glass windows of the church. "O noe," Gax nudged Corndawg, "It's my ex-husbando Blaine the train." One of Blaine's side doors opened to reveal a tall-ish man wearing a hand-sewned blue suit, "DARLING!" Archimedes growled and pushed past some people staring in awe to where Dorito Deer stood. He wrapped his arm protectively around her and glared meanly at the newcomer. The man jumped down off the side of the mono with a thud and bent down on one knee before the couple, "Dorito Deer, my darling, won't you please marry me instead of this man. We could be so beautiful together." Dorito Deer liked the sound of being beautiful together, but she knew that this would turn into a blood bath very quickly. Whilst the two men argued and Dorito Deer continued to try and plan what she would do if one or both pulled a knife, Corndawg was trying to coax Gax into talking to her ex-husbando train, "Come on Gax, I'm sure it couldn't have ended THAT badly." Gax shook her head, "No Corndawg, you don't understand. The reason that we broke up is because…" she turned away from her friend, "I wouldn't have the sexes with him." Corndawg o-mouthed in shock, "Omg. Y not?" Gax sighed, "Tbh I couldn't find the train dong. Idk where train dong is at." "Oooooh," Corndawg nodded, now she knew, "Well, you should still talk to him." Gax shook her head, "Nah Fam I'm good." Corndawg rolled her eyes and grabbed Gax's arm, yanking her towards the train. Blaine could see them approaching, of course, he already knew what was going on. He had been watching them talking and knew what had been said by reading their lips. It wasn't his fault Gax didn't know where his dong was, he was a rather large and long mono, kinda like a snake. It didn't bother him much as he knew he was fully equipped, and capable of fantastic intercourse. The one Gax referred to as Corndawg shoved her towards him and she stumbled into his side. She apologized and walked around towards his nose, running her hand along his side as she did so, "H-hey Blaine…" she managed to sputter out as she stood in front of him. Blaine dipped his nose down slightly so he could see her better, "GAX," he spoke in his robotic voice. Gax was about to say something when Eddie was pushed into her by Archimedes, causing her to land boobs first on Blaine's nose. She stuttered and stood up quickly, yanking her dress' top up a bit as to not reveal her cleavage, blushing madly. Blaine snickered quietly to himself, amused by her embarrassment, "COME NOW, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM BEFORE." Gax would have smacked him if he wasn't made of metal and ten times bigger than her with the ability to run her over in an instant. The two continued to talk as Dorito Deer was now backed against a wall with Archimedes and Eddie hurling angry insults at each other. Corndawg, also being the wedding's photographer, was quite enjoying herself with taking pictures of the brawling grooms. Suddenly Archimedes grabbed Dorito Deer by the shoulder and fished his bonesaw out from behind the altar, "I knew something like this would happen." He held it out so the blade was pressed against her throat and he growled, "Dorito Deer, say that you'll be mine, or else. If I can't have you… nobody can." Dorito Deer struggled feebly against Archimedes' strength only to slid down on the blade, earning a small cut. She morphed into a deer and slid to the ground, the cut now a long gash up the side of her face. She grabbed Corndawg and Gax and leapt up onto Blaine's platform, "GO!" she commanded as she kicked the door shut. Slightly confused, Blaine lurched forward and out of the church. His ghost tracks leading him, he made his way down the shattered church's hill and into the woods. Blaine wound through the trees, "WOULD SOMEONE MIND TELLING ME WHERE IT IS I'M HEADED?" Dorito Deer tilted her head slightly as she peered out the window, watching the figures of trees go by, "Walgreens." Blaine was mildly confused, he saw no logical explanation as to why the shapeshifter felt the need to go to the drugstore, but as a train, he obliged. Within seconds, the group was at the door. Dorito Deer leapt out first, followed by Gax and Corndawg. Dorito Deer turned and waved goodbye, a satisfied smile plastered on her face, "Goodbye Blaine, thanks for the ride! If there's anything we could do for you just let us know." Blaine replied with a glance at Gax's luscious bodacious bod, "I'M SURE YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW IF I RUN INTO ANY... ISSUES." He blew his whistle and with a wink, sped off back into the forest. Dorito Deer trotted happily in through the glass, sliding doors of Walgreens with Gax and Corndawg hot on her heels. She gracefully lept over the isles, flipping off the employees with her deer hoof. She slid to a stop in the pharmacy and took to the cold aisle. She grabbed about twenty bags of Hall's cough drops and proceeded to the checkout counter. She patiently waited in line and threw her deer money at the cashier (which was like berries and junk). Dorito Deer then left Walgreens quickly before the cashier could grasp the concept of what had just happened. She then happily trotted down the road, Gax flying upside down by her feet and holding Corndawg right behind then came to a run-down looking building. The letters on the front had once been bright yellow and purple and were now rust covered and falling apart. The letters that still stood read, "ED AER'S IAZ." "Teh fuq is Ed Aer's Iaz?" Corndawg mused. Curious, the three approached the entrance, two boarded up doors with yellow police tape criss crossed over them met their eyes. "Damn," Gax said, "Guess we can't get in." "Nonsense," Corndawg replied, and with a magical wave of her corndogstick-like arms, the doors flew open. DoritoDeer cautiously walked through the entrance, her deer ears alert for any sound that might be emitted from a living creature. The place itself smelled like garbage and rotten food. "OMG GUIES. THERES PIZZA HERE," Dorito Deer happies, throwing another throat lozenge into her mouth. "Ew," Gax replied, wrinkling her nose. "Nononononononon, it's fresh," Dorito Deer smiled. Gax's expression didn't change but Dorito Deer wouldn't let her downer attitude ruin her mood. She would most definitely make Gax be the one to deal with Blaine's 'favor' later. Dorito Deer followed her deer nose to find where the pizza smell was originating from. It led her into what must have been once a kitchen. A freshly baked pizza was sitting in it's box on the metallic counter. (The metallic counter reminded Gax of Blaine and she cried) Dorito Deer made her way in between the tall metal shelves till she found another door. She kicked it open with her deer hooves and saw it led to a parts and service room. As soon as she was in the room far enough, the door slammed shut behind her. She jumped at the loud noise and quickly glanced around in the darkness. Gax and Corndawg tried to open the door from the other side but it was locked, "Don't worry," Corndawg shouted through the door, "We'll find something to pry it open!" Dorito Deer let out a sigh, the room was rather cramped and smelled like the rest of the pizza place, musty. Suddenly, another scent caught her attention, someone was in the room with her. She transformed into a person and tried to open the door with her human hands with thumbs. She even tried to kick it down, but it was no use, the door was jammed shut. A large, cold arm wrapped around her neck and flipped her around. She struggled against it's grasp but it held her firmly. She could now see two lit up eyes in the darkness, they flickered white and bluish. She gasped curtly as another hand shot downwards. She drew in a sharp and cold breath as she heard strange laughter followed by an unfamiliar voice. "Drop the girl Freddy, or I'll murder you all over again you ungrateful faggot." Suddenly she was released, and fell to the ground with a thump. Her eyes flitted upwards, large in fear and anticipation, to a tall slender man in a plum purple suit. "P-p-p-pis-ss off," the large animatronic bear hissed, "I f-f-f-ound this on-n-ne, fair and-d squ-ar-e." The purple man shook his head, "Now now, I wouldn't want to intrude on whatever," he gestured with his hand, "This is. But I must intervene only to say that I wish you not to do this whilst I'm in here." Freddy picked up Purple Guy by the collar of his shirt. Purple Guy growled something about stretching out the fabric, only for Freddy to throw the door open and throw Purple Guy out into the kitchen with an angry huff. Freddy then turned back to his prize, who had turned into a deer and found a couple cheerios and was happily eating them in the corner, totally oblivious as to what was going on. Freddy picked her up by her back legs and held her up so he could see her deer face, "H-h-ello deer (lol puns)" Dorito Deer did some sexually attractive leg flings and she wiggled around like a fish, "Heya, um, what's ur name yo?" The animatronic bear chuckled darkly as he replied, "The name is Freddy, Freddy Fazbear… But you can call me Papa Bear." Dorito Deer kicked around a bit more trying to free herself, "Yo, ok that's totally rad and stuff bruh, but could you uh, put me down man?" Freddy shook his head and ran his hand down Dorito Deer's side. Dorito Deer shivered and went limp for a second, staring at the ground. He flipped her around and pinned her to the wall, "S-say my nam-e b-itch." Dorito Deer was very confused, she had seen some more cheerios on the ground and she wanted to eat them very badly. Freddy continued to growl at her as she tried to slide down the wall a bit to get to the cheerios, she wanted those damn cheerios so badly. She managed to grab a cough drop with her tongue and pull it into her mouth when it had fallen out of one of her bags, but she could not reach the cheerios.. Freddy suddenly yanked her upwards so she was eye level with him. He smashed his lips into hers and she squeaked in surprise, she had honestly not expected that. His animatronic tongue forced it's way into her mouth and she stared into his deep, dark eyes. He then pulled back and snapped his jaw shut with a loud crunch. Dorito Deer was confused, _had he broken a tooth?_ That's when Dorito Deer realized, he had taken her cough drop. Her eyes narrowed as she glared meanly at him, "YOU BITCH YOU STOLE MY COUGH DROP." Freddy was a little taken back by her sudden outburst, but this made him smirk. Dorito Deer bit his thumb as hard as she could with her dumb, non-sharp deer teeth. Freddy just laughed at this, pulling his hand away, "H-hey now, it's n-ot nice to-o bi-te-e." Dorito Deer snorted and tried to wriggle free (because that clearly worked the last six times she tried it), and Freddy licked the top of her head. Dorito Deer snapped upwards biting his tongue with a hiss. Freddy snarled and yanked backwards grabbing a wire out of one of the spare suits. He wrapped it around her neck and pulled it backwards, "Y-you're going-g to do as I say now al-rig-right?" Dorito Deer growled at him and kicked backwards, freeing herself momentarily and scooping up the cheerios off the floor and kicking at the door. Meanwhile, Corndawg was in a steamy makeout sesh with Purple guy and Gax was writing on the wall with crayons. For some strange reason, even though Gax and Corndawg were in the adjacent room to where Dorito Deer was being assaulted, they didn't hear anything. That was, until Dorito Deer burst through the door, following a trail of forgotten honey-nut cheerios left behind by some toddler before the place had been shut down. She was screaming senselessly whilst shoving cheerios in her face,

"Hey-omnobearmonom- and then-crunchmunch-kiss-crunchmonnomonMY COUGHDROP!" SHe ended it with an ear splitting screech. Gax hopped up quickly from her masterpiece portrait of Purple Guy and Corndawgs makeout session, and grabbed Corndawg away from Purple Guy (not an easy task, considering the fact that his hands were in places they shouldn't be). She knew whatever the situation was, it was severe. WHenever coughdrops were involved, it was of the uptmost importance. They sprinted out the doors of the pizza parlor as fast as Gax could hover and Dorito Deer could gallop, both of them dragging a resentful Corndawg behind them.

"What the hell guys! I was sort of busy!" She accused as the other two stood panting with exhaustion, hands on their knees. As soon as Dorito Deer had the lungs for it, she burst out in hot tears.

"G-g-gaxxxx he took m-m-m-my COUGHDROP!" Without the time or energy to inquire more, Gax decided to skip the drama and go straight for the solution.

"Don't worry hun, I have a plan that will cheer you right up!" Dorito Deer sniffled, and looked up at her. "Really? What is it?" Gax looked over at Corndawg who had forgotten her woes in the excitement for what she knew was coming. "It's a surprise!" They said in unison, and then they got down to work.

After two exhausting hours of travelling the world searching endlessly for the perfect guacamole to ward off hunger during the ritual, the girls/deer/mythical creatures deemed themselves prepared for the upcoming events. Deep in the forest, Dorito Deer squirmed nervously in excitement, as being patient was not one of her strong suits. Corndawg and Gax toiled tirelessly over a hot cauldron for like 10 whole minutes before the mixture was adequately prepared. The final ingredient: A lock of the lovers hair. Gax snipped a piece of Dorito Deer's hair, the now girl barely even noticing in her anticipation for whatever her friends had planned for her. Her eyes gleamed as she watched them drop her hair into the deep black cauldron. She hardly even heard Corndawg as she began to chant.

"Lord of Death, King of Lies, A dear friend of ours has met demise, Let them rise up, Once again, Says Corndawg the Prophet, Seducer of men!" A bright burgundy flash of fire followed by green, rolling smoke encored the chant. After a chorus of coughing from all three, a figure rose out of the smoke. Unable to contain it anymore, Gax exploded in happies.

"Look Dorito Deer! We brought back someone for you! Are you excited to be reunited with…..Pringles guy?" A look of confusion shot across all the girls faces. "Well i meant to bring back Vilmer, but I guess this works too." Chuckled Corndawg. "I guess I got the wrong sperm specimen," Gax giggled. "No biggie." Dorito Deer was a little confused about what had just occurred, but ecstatic just the same. Her old friend was back! The man stepped forward, a sharp aroma of vinegar rising through the air. "Hello Dorito Deer, pleasure to see you again. I see you have made some new acquaintances. You look lovely as always, my love." Dorito Deer blushed, and her mind flashed back to the first page of this story, how it all started. Two men brutally fighting over her. Aw. How sweet. "We did have some….good times, didn't we?" She shot him a quick smirk. Gax and Corndawg, seeing where this was going, flew away giggling. Dorito Deer couldn't help but appreciate the fact that he was wearing the same trench coat as he had been that same day...and the fact that a well-placed bulge was loosening the tie already. He took a large step closer to her, and the scent of vinegar sharpened, practically slicing through her. It shook her thoughts, and all she could think of was here and now. She didn't even notice the second figure stepping slowly and stealthily through the still thickening fog as Pringles Guy grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close. "So, we gunna finish what we started, or what?" She moaned at the thought of it and mentally prepared herself. "I'm gunna…." Pringles Guy's voice was cut dreadfully short by the sound of a sharp grunt and the shine of a knife just barely scraping Dorito Deer's abdomen. The mouth she had just about to kiss passionately began to drip with blood. He fell before her, slumping down so that he laid flat on the ground, only his hips jutting up WINK WONK. The large figure that had just brutally murdered her latest beloved stood with broad shoulders. The silhouette wasn't exactly familiar, but excited her all the same. The voice that arose next was eerily similar to one; correction, two, she had known before. "Nice to see you again, my darling Frauline." Rather confused, she peered again at the man before her. He had dark black hair that reminded her of Archimedes, but the facial features distinguished him as decidedly American. And much of the German accent was gone. Still not quite sure, she inquired (word choice bitch). "Excuse me, but who are you?" A double-edged chuckle rose from the man. "Well, my dear, we are Eddimedes," She still seemed puzzled. "You see, our darling, after you so rudely escaped our wedding, we quite literally fought each other to the death. Sent down, um, below, you might say, at the same time. We ended up realizing that we actually weren't so different down there. So, never assuming we would have an opportunity to escape, we made a pact that if we found a way, we would swear off fighting over you ever again. That was, of course, until we heard your friends chant. Vilmer was made...unable...to resurface, as I'm sure he was who you meant for, but we couldn't reach you before THAT little faggot made it. With only a few seconds left with the portal open, we made the decision that since only one could fit, we would fuse bodies, murder that unworthy and ungentelmanly dick, and have you for ourselves." Dorito Deer glanced around. She had in fact, not heard a word they had said in their strange dual voice. She had instead been admiring the fact that they were much, much, more attractive as one man. Broad shoulders, seemingly hard pectorals (she had to guess for only a short time), and SOFT HAIR. He was everything she lusted after in a man/animatronic bear. "So, our darling Frauline, would you do us the honor of consummating the marriage that never was? We have decided it has been for the best that you escaped, and we can assure you, you can learn a lot about pleasing a woman down in hell."

When Gax and Corndawg returned to Dorito Deer, Eddimedes was nowhere to be seen. Dorito Deer was not dressed, as she had returned to her deer form.


	2. Chapter 2

After they had the sexes, the friedns returned. A bunch of fire came down from the sky, lighting the woods on fire and also instantly murdering Eddimedes. It was from Jeff, who had come to pick up DD and her freinds because DD was a space bounty hunter now. As they took off with another jet of fire, Blaine (who had come to talk to DD about getting a cheeseburger as the favor) was destroyed and split into 5 pieces and rocketed throughout the 5 dimensions with each piece landing inside a volcano.

As they explored the inside of Jeff's cabin, Dorito Deer couldn't help but notice that all the cameras were aimed towards her badonkadonk. ALL of them. She blushed as Jeff spoke. "Aye girl how you been? Which star system are we going to hit up next bae?" (Jeff was a gangster). She spoke as his flattery shone red in her cheeks. "We need to go to the Nebuli System so that I can bounty hunt the WingWongChingChong Killer." Jeff winked, but it was outside so she couldn't see it. "No problem sweetcakes. I only require one thing as payment." She cocked her head "And what is that?" He smirked, but once again she couldn't see it. "I just need you to inhale my dong a little bit once we get there and I can transform into human Jeff or else I will kill everyone on board. So ya."

Dorito Deer shook her head, "Nah m8 I'm afraid I can't do that. You are my creation, and that's wrong." Jeff was totally chill and understanding and was all like, "Ok that's rad, whateves. So where to?" Dorito Deer paused for a moment, the particular killer she had spoke of before had already been brought in by some dude named Boba Fett, so she had to choose someone else. As she was flipping through her digital book of potential bounties, she heard whimpering. Confused, she turned around and saw Gax. She had tears rolling down her face and her eyes were red and puffy. "What's the matter homie?" Dorito Deer asked Gax. Gax wiped her eyes with her sleeve, "I just… You see Blaine and I have this spiritual connection we formed when we got married. I thought it was broken when we got divorced, but it hadn't… And-And… He's dead, split into five pieces and strewn across five dimensions. I can tell." Dorito Deer felt bad for her friend, "Don't worry, I have a friend who knows a thing or two about dimension jumping." She then turned her attention back to Jeff, "Jeff, to Jupiter if you'd please!" Jeff nodded, "Aye aye, Captain." As they were jetting along to Jupiter, Dorito Deer gave Gax and Corndog the down lo, "Okay so this friend of mine, he's been asleep for a long time. He's chill though, just don't freak him out." They came to an odd looking white space ship that was shaped kinda like a sperm (lol) Dorito Deer put on a space suit, explaining to her friends to wait with Jeff until she returned. She opened the airlock with her deer hooves somehow and propelled herself along with a jet pack. She made her way inside the strange looking spaceship, black faded lettering on the walls read "Discovery One". Once Dorito Deer was inside, she kept her space suit on, there hadn't been any oxygen circulating in this ship for over 50 years. She walked around for a bit until she came to a red room that was filled with glass cartridges. She pressed a few of them in and a voice sounded over the speakers, "Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer." Dorito Deer happied, "Heya Hal! How ya doin' buddy?" There was silence for a moment before HAL responded, "I am doing well. I suppose. What brings you here to wake me?" Dorito Deer gazed back at where Jeff was floating, "Well, ya see, my friend over there lost her ex-husbando train recently. He was apparently scattered across 5 diff dimensions. I was wondering if you could show me how to get through the Monoliths?" There was more silence and suddenly HAL's voice dropped low, "I'm sorry Dorito Deer, I'm afraid I can't do that." Dorito Deer's eyes widened "Omg." And then HAL was like, "Lol Jk. Sure I'll help you out." Dorito Deer happied and yelled at her horses out her window because they were being loud and screaming at eachother and it was very annoying and made the dogs bark. Dorito Deer unhooked HAL from his place in the wall and carried him back to Jeff. HAL was like, "Sup Jeff." and Jeff was like, "Sup HAL?" and it was swag and stuff because Bounty Hunter Dorito Deer was building up her robot harem. She hooked HAL up to Jeff, kinda like a GPS system sort of thing. And Jeff made his way to one of Jupiter's moons, probs like Titan or something IDK. And there they saw a large black rectangle thing. Dorito Deer was like omg and they went through the black rectangle thing and then they were in another dimension omg wow.

Suddenly Dorito Deer woke up. This whole Blain stuff had been a dream. The last thing she remebered was agreeing to inhale Jeff's dong. They had landed and the other girls were off doing other things and so she sucked his dick the end of that part. And so Dorito Deer forgot all about Blaine and so did Gax and so they moved onto catching the WingWongChingChong Killer. They entered the system and landed on the forest moon of Endor. The three friends rode on speeders and were super chill until suddenly, DD his something she presumed to be a tree. However, it was not. It was a brown rock monster sort of thing and when she hit him he exclaimed, very explicity, " RADA RA DA RAAA DA!" DD did not care for such langauge and so shit backed up and hit him again with her speeder. She did this over and over and over in a rhythmic motion until she realized that her actions were actually causing the rock monster to be very happy. So she stopped and flew around him, never to see him again. After 10 days and 45 nights, DD finally caught the WingWongChingChong killer, who actually happened to be just a big ass panda bear running around with an AK-47. Or so they thought. A zipper was found on the back of the panda, as it was a suit. They unzipped it, and who stepped out suprised all of them, especially Dorito Deer because he gave her a lady boner like all the time. The WingWongChingChong killer was...Roland Deschain? Dorito Deer was like "Sup?" And she turned him into the space cops because he was wanted DEAD OR ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Becuase she didnt gaf and was done with Gax. Yes. Yup. Okay so then Dorito Deer was like, "Wow all this sucking dick has made me hungry. So they went to a space Taco Bell that said "For Whores only" so Corndog had to wait outside. And then they were like swag. Because Gax was a total whore and did it with the manager in the parking lot. So she got an automatic free pass. But little did she know that the manager was a girl. So there was deff lesbian sisssorsosossossing going on there. But don't worry the manager was totally h0t and had really swaggin yellowish eyes and freckles and brown hair with blonde streaks and her name was Olivia Nichols with one L, not two. And so then Dorito Deer got a call on her iPhone 6 and it was her ACTUAL robot harem and shes like, "Yes bae." And then her phone was really creepy and Dorito Deer was like, "Why IOS 8 ¾ whyyyyyyyyy." And so they met up with Dorito Deer's homicidal robot bitches and she's like, "Yo so who got the money?" And Wheatley britished, "Yep , bloody hell save the queen." Because he had to mention the Queen of England in every sentence he spoke because he was British. And Auto said something about plants and HAL was like done with this and Fab was there too and he was like *silence* because he doesn't talk like Jason or Michael Myers (Even though they talked in the first part of this story) and so Dorito Deer was pimping and stuff and they all got in a limo (Not the one she and Vilmer went to Prom in) and she got a huge ass fur coat and cane and shades and junk and she even smacked Wheatley with her pimp hand because he was the stupidest hoe. Then she bought the biggest metallic chain necklace ever and Gax was like, "O shi-" and Dorito Deer was like, "Lol Blaine" and Gax was like, "Dood no" and Dorito Deer was like, "Nah we gotta save that so ya'll can get back together and I won't have to worry about you comin up on my harem." Wheatley looked at Gax and he got smacked again because he was also the most disobedient hoe. Auto, the alpha hoe, was like lol. So then Dorito Deer realized she could see the future in her dreams and HAL took them to the monolith which sent them to the 1st dimension where they found part of Blaine in the volcano using giant bees as their method of transportation. And then they went to the 2nd dimension and Dorito Deer found another part of Blaine, once again using the giant bees as transportation. During the next few visits to more dimensions (One including the Dimma Dimension and Norman Bate's house) Corndawg fell in love with her giant flying bee, named him Gerard, got married to it and had six pupas each named Gerard also. Corndog and Gerard the Bee were totally happy together, but then in the 7th dimension, a Wasp ate Gerard and left Corndog to take care of her pupas alone. So she ate them. Corndawg was now part bee. And then Dorito Deer was like, "Sorry I wasn't paying attention I was eating a chocolate bar that my mum bought for me from circle K." And then Gax won the lottery, and also had the sexes with Troy Bolton because she was in Highschool Musical 18+. And then they got to the 18th dimension and they found the last piece of Blaine. And then Gax was like, "Wait a second wasn't there only 5 dimensions?" And Dorito Deer was like, "Nah." And so a plot hole was formed again. And then they took Blaine's pieces back to one of Dorito Deer's side hoes. Fab is that hoe that's good at working with his hands (metal claw thingies) and so he was like, *silence*because he doesn't speak and then he rebuilt Blaine because Dorito Deer asked him too. But Fab is a character from Tim Burton so he builds creepy ass stuff. So now, even though it didn't seem possible, Blaine was even creepier than before. He was a stitch-punk Blaine. Omg wow. (VOODOO STITCH CHILD X STEAM PUNK) Yes that's what Blaine is now. And Gax was so happy to see her ex-husbando that she was like, "Omg yay, I'm so happy Dorito Deer brought you back into my life." And then she looked into the camera like on the Office and then Dorito Deer was like, "O. Btw, I scheduled you in at tomorrow so don't forget." And Gax was like "K." And then they were happy so Dorito Deer continued on with her search for her true love.

And then Blaine died suddenly of a train malfunction and he was unsalvagable and yeah BUT THEN he came back to life and realised that he actually wanted to nasty DD. So he went to the master chinese teacher to learn about how he should go about that. The chinese teache was named Kung Fu Panda little rabbit guy. SO he learnt the ways of how to sex with DD and then he decided to use his favor with Gax. Which was "Hey Gax, please convince DD to inhale my train dong" and Gax was all like "yeah sure" and so that happened. Gax went to talk to Dorito Deer about that.

"Huh," Dorito Deer said. "I thought he wanted a sexual favor but i guess not." Gax was all like "Yeah thank god. I don't even care that it's breaking like every typical friend rule because i have no emotional attachment to Blaine at all and so I want you to suck the train dong."

"But Gax, I do not know how to suck the train dong." Doriro Deer cried out as she began to sob. "What if I am not good enough for Blaine the Train's Dong?" Gax pulled out a pen. "Here is a number i obtained during my many travels. From what I have heard, this guy will teach you to inhale dong. His name is _**.**_ ". So Dorito took the number and flew off, eager to learn. When she got there he was dead. And she didnt really care so she was like lol whateves and flew off.


End file.
